(Editor's Note: In this post, February is a woman at a party.)
Ah yeah, girl. I didn't see you over there in the corner, talking with Novemeber. Come over here, girl.
I got you here on my calendar. 28 days of pure ecstasy. You my girl, February. You look as good as a 55-gallon drum of Frank's Red Hot sauce tonight, girl. The kind they send to prison kitchens.
Now January ain't bad, but she's a little cold. March always pre-games and shows up drunk to these things. And April's always busy raining on Baseball Spring Training.
Don't get me started on other months, because I don't want to go off sounding like a Wikipedia.
February, you're so fine. You're like a classy red wine. Like Martinelli's.
You're so complicated. I like complicated. Is this a leap year or not? I can never remember that. What was that for, again? So the Gregorians could have a little extra fun? Count me in on that, girl.
All the best holidays are in February: Groundhog day, the Super Bowl, birthdays of every President, Kosovo's Independence Day, the works! And the Black history stuff, girl. It's all good.
Plus, VD. You know, Valentine's Day. I started abbreviating it years ago, but despite my best attempts, it never caught on. In fact, I ended up spending the last four consecutive VD's alone. What part of, "Got plans for VD?" don't other girls get? I guess they're not like you, February.
What do you say to coming back to my place, February? I got Netflix. We could watch a documentary about math. Yeah, I know it's what you'd like.
Maybe we could listen to some grizzly bears. No, girl, not the band. I live next to a zoo. Honest, girl, the enclosure's outside my back window. The sound is enchanting.
No? Uh, okay. You go use the bathroom then. I'll just be waiting. Waiting here for you sexy, sexy month.
paintervision
Man bites blog.
Friday, February 1, 2013
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
THIS POST DISCUSSES IMAGINARY PLOTS FOR MOVIES FOR GUYS WHO USED TO LIKE MOVIES
Lately, it just seems like Hollywood isn't trying. Re-makes and reboots, sequels, cheapquels, and creepquels... it's like the film industry doesn't even know me anymore. So with that in mind, here are some NEW plot ideas they can have for free. Just don't over-use these ones too, guys!
Historical Figures with Superpowers We've already seen the vampire movies for Honest Abe and Edgar Allen Poe. What about re-imaging other parts of history: Col. Sanders as a scientist, forever transformed by his 11 herbs and spices in a lab explosion? Johannes Gutenberg who could bend metal with his mind? A flying Ghandi?
Kids in a Neo Noir All the grit of a film like "The Good German," but with the sunny-faced kids from "Modern Family." Take my money already.
Dolphins as the Bad Guy Films like Dolphin Tale make them all out to be good, kind, gentle creatures. I want to see one go ballistic on film. Think "Jaws" but with more puns (as in, "The Dolphins attacked us on porpoise!").
Character-oozing Biopics Take the ensemble cast of characters from a Robert Altman movie, mixed with the talky, vaseline-smeared history of "The Social Network," and add another inevitable dash or two of pretension, and bam! I would love to see one of these about all four years of the Carter administration and the Department of Energy.
Lesbians Form a Baseball Team - in kind of a "League of Her Own" meets "The L Word" way. Sports AND lesbians! Hollywood, do you hear that? It's the sound of money just knocking at your door. Make it happen!
A Zombie Love Story This may already exist (probably on Netflix... probably Korean...), but picture a Nicholas Sparks-esque film with two crazy, zombie teenagers just trying to give love a chance in a mixed-up, post-apocolyptic world. Put Will Smith in it (not as a zombie), and it's a sure thing. And c'mon, Hollywood, how often do the words "Sure Thing" come up in pitch meetings?
Cannonball Run with Homeless People Come on, you'd watch that. You can admit this. I won't judge you. The internet is a safe, friendly place.
Another Tron Wait, I think they already did that. Nevermind.
Friday, January 11, 2013
MY THOUGHT PROCESS FOR STAGES OF GRIEF THAT I GO THROUGH, USING A STONE OR FOREIGN OBJECT IN MY SHOE AS AN EXAMPLE
Ow. There's something in my shoe. Wait, let me wiggle my feet around inside the shoe first and - nope, something's there. Something has lodged itself beside my insoles.
Perhaps it's a stone. Or a splinter of wood, or a bit of glass. What if it cuts my foot. I would have no way of knowing. I could be infecting myself, putting myself at risk for illness as I stand here in my own discomfort. Alright, Painter, keep it together.
Maybe it's not bad. Maybe I like it. Perchance it feels good. Scratching some unknown itch I didn't know I had until the object started scathing my sock. No. That's dumb.
Am I in a good spot to stop and check my shoe? Maybe flip it over and give it a few taps on the back to dislodge my mystery matter? Yes, I will.
But there's no time now. I must live with my knickknack firmly in place. I must solider on.
No, fuck that noise. I'm going in. I will leave no stone unturned (figuratively, because I wouldn't leave stones in my hightops). I will hunt you. I will track you down to the end of the Earth (I'm talking, of course, to the distressing object). I will find you, and I will take you out. Of my shoe. Damn it.
Let me just flip this... yes. I think I found the culprit. This little bit of shale shall do me no more harm. I will live a free man again, feeing like I have a whole new foot. It will feel so good. Back on the ol' foot it goes.
Sweet relief.
Until... no. Not again. It's back, egads... the phantom pain has returned. Now it's in an altogether new spot.
May this invader be in my sock? What if it's some sort of foot fungus or tape worm. Could I be infected? Do I have to loose this foot before this uncomfortableness spreads like a cancer, to the rest of my body?
Let me take off my sock.
Ah yes, it's another stone. It has wiggled it's way inside my sock, my inner-most layer of my hooves. It was the last defense against outside forces of foreign matter, but it failed. Upon closer inspection, I appear to have a hole in my sock. This won't do.
I've only had these socks for a fortnight, and worn and washed them once before. My foot relief is only matched by my disappointment for the socks I'm sporting. Never again. Never again.
Perhaps it's a stone. Or a splinter of wood, or a bit of glass. What if it cuts my foot. I would have no way of knowing. I could be infecting myself, putting myself at risk for illness as I stand here in my own discomfort. Alright, Painter, keep it together.
Maybe it's not bad. Maybe I like it. Perchance it feels good. Scratching some unknown itch I didn't know I had until the object started scathing my sock. No. That's dumb.
Am I in a good spot to stop and check my shoe? Maybe flip it over and give it a few taps on the back to dislodge my mystery matter? Yes, I will.
But there's no time now. I must live with my knickknack firmly in place. I must solider on.
No, fuck that noise. I'm going in. I will leave no stone unturned (figuratively, because I wouldn't leave stones in my hightops). I will hunt you. I will track you down to the end of the Earth (I'm talking, of course, to the distressing object). I will find you, and I will take you out. Of my shoe. Damn it.
Let me just flip this... yes. I think I found the culprit. This little bit of shale shall do me no more harm. I will live a free man again, feeing like I have a whole new foot. It will feel so good. Back on the ol' foot it goes.
Sweet relief.
Until... no. Not again. It's back, egads... the phantom pain has returned. Now it's in an altogether new spot.
May this invader be in my sock? What if it's some sort of foot fungus or tape worm. Could I be infected? Do I have to loose this foot before this uncomfortableness spreads like a cancer, to the rest of my body?
Let me take off my sock.
Ah yes, it's another stone. It has wiggled it's way inside my sock, my inner-most layer of my hooves. It was the last defense against outside forces of foreign matter, but it failed. Upon closer inspection, I appear to have a hole in my sock. This won't do.
I've only had these socks for a fortnight, and worn and washed them once before. My foot relief is only matched by my disappointment for the socks I'm sporting. Never again. Never again.
Thursday, January 10, 2013
IN THIS POST I DEVELOP AN IMAGINARY THEME PARK THAT STANDS A CHANCE OF BECOMING REALITY IN WEST VIRGINIA
Tudor's Biscuit Land is a themed water park of breakfasty delights.
Here, you can experience several unique attractions, from the lazy river fun of Buttermilk Run to the endless waves of Bacon Bay. Looking for something more thrilling? Try Syrup Falls, the tallest-fastest-longest slide in West Virginia.
Hungry? Bask in the glory of a full-sized Tudor's Biscuit World Restaurant, the largest one in the world! Breakfast is served all day. Want a memento from the park? Try the "Eggporium," where you can buy the official park t-shirt or fridge magnet. You could even buy two (but they'd be identical).
Tudor's Biscuit Land is open daily Memorial Day to Labor Day, 10 AM to 5PM. Located behind the Waffle House on I-64 (Exit 11) in Huntington, West Virgnia. Admission to the world's largest Biscuit World is included.
Here, you can experience several unique attractions, from the lazy river fun of Buttermilk Run to the endless waves of Bacon Bay. Looking for something more thrilling? Try Syrup Falls, the tallest-fastest-longest slide in West Virginia.
Hungry? Bask in the glory of a full-sized Tudor's Biscuit World Restaurant, the largest one in the world! Breakfast is served all day. Want a memento from the park? Try the "Eggporium," where you can buy the official park t-shirt or fridge magnet. You could even buy two (but they'd be identical).
Tudor's Biscuit Land is open daily Memorial Day to Labor Day, 10 AM to 5PM. Located behind the Waffle House on I-64 (Exit 11) in Huntington, West Virgnia. Admission to the world's largest Biscuit World is included.
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
A HAIKU FOR MY JOB
Clap, clap, clap, clap, clap.
Advance car, "Remain seated."
Clap, clap, clap, wave, clear.
BLOG POST WHEREIN I DECIDE TO WRITE AN UNORDERED LIST OF THREE THINGS I ONLY HAVE A CURSORY KNOWLEDGE OF
- Ambidextrous Falconry
- The Former Soviet Union
- Women*
* I know the least about the subject of women in the former Soviet Union who practice falconry, ambidextrously.